waiting

I am amazed this blog is still here. Hello, blog.

Because I am a child of this ridiculous world, or maybe because I am just ridiculous, I need to say this out loud. I keep on waiting for an email apologizing, confessing the absurdity of the accusations she let fly against me today.

Dishonest. It's going to take me a long time to get over that one.

So now the question becomes, do I flee? Or do I "Take This Job and Love It," etc. etc. I felt like I had been subsumed by a wave of bile. Are jobs just like that? Is that the world? Do you wake up one day, go about your business, and then someone who has power over you is calling you dishonest? Because she thought you were coming back to one meeting but you went to another?

I still believe I will find a place in the world: a place that needs me and loves me and for which I am profoundly useful. I know I dream big, but I actually had a job just like that for a couple of years. And then I went to law school. (It's already been established that I'm a dumb%^&$). So do I keep looking for that perfection? I am shaking, six hours later. I wish I could just let it roll over me, but no. Instead, there is this post and the hope that I can get over this by the time I get on a plane at 7 AM for My Carefree Vacation.

Dishonest.

hmmm

this blog pretty much has no point anymore- i have a window. but hey, i still like to comment on other people's posts, and then i am here and then- well.
So just read a post about daycare. i of course have had my thoughts on the subject (see april). nowadays, there is no daycare. instead, there is the papa.
which is pretty cool. instead of fretting about the lady i don't like messing up my kid because i called her out for pulling on another kid's leg, i can think about B. and his dad, bonding, parks, library, smiles, pictures, kodak, etc.
but then i come home-
"don't feed him that, that gives him gas."
"wipe him off THIS way."
"we don't let him do that"
"what, are you trying to kill him"
Etc. And in some small piece of my brain i long for the days when i could tell his daytime caregivers to shut the fuck up.
I have been demoted from Senior to Junior Caregiving parent. Even if I wasn't doing all the heavy lifting before, well, i was doing more than the hub. But now from 7 AM to 5:30 PM it's the Daddy Show and he knows a lot more about the B. workings than I do. And so when he gets self righteous on my ass, I have to shut up and take it. Ouch.
Who knew I was so proud of my sub-par parenting?

to a window

well, i'm no longer under the fluorescence- at least exclusively. My new office has a great big window, where I routinely show my boobs to whoever would care to look up to the 3rd floor.

It's been a long, slightly terrible week. The first few days were awful- I felt like death, my job was cold and demanding where it should have been warm and (ever-so-slightly) yielding and I wondered how I could have left my family and my life and come out to this cold dry place where it snows in May (why? why?) and my tongue was like paper and my boss took me out to lunch and I couldn't eat, almost couldn't speak. And G. at home with the baby so miserable too and the baby feels so gone from me and then my boobs don't work and there's my period...

Anyways. It was intense.

I feel a lot better now. How could I not - it's Friday night and I've had three beers. My job is going to teach me a lot. My boobs seems to be working better. The period is ending. G and I feel human.

It's still a strange, dry place, this Denver. And I still wonder- do I just go where I am asked, instead of asking the questions myself?

This strange planet.

If next week improves as rapidly as this one has, by next Sat. I'll be on cloud 9.

1.5 hours till the big 3-2. Par-tay time....

tense

it's the middle of the night. i am tense.

symptoms-
a two-week old stomachache
the baby's asleep, and i'm not
my whole body itches
i am losing track of boundaries, and routinely dispense TMI
i am very very paranoid

i. hate. change.

pump it DOWN

Sitting here pumping like any day but it has changed -- i'm only doing it once a day, and I'm not getting much (this looks like about 2 ounces). The trip away really did in my production, despite the 40 oz of milk I came home with. And it's all for the good but it just feels wrong. I guess this is what motherhood is about, right? Trying really hard to do something, learning it, getting it right, and then you still do that? what's wrong with you? and learning how to stop.

So we're leaving DC -- my husband on Sat., me next week. Lots of goodbyes. And lots of craziness inside my head -- I am very tense about all we need to do and because I hate change. I am not at my best when I am tense -- to put it mildly. I am making fairly terrible decisions and losing any important item i come in contact with -- between Tuesday and Wed I lost:

-Laptop - I decided to check a bag with it (see "terrible decisions" above)and then it wasn't on the plane. But I got it around 12 am on tuesday night. Much agony beforehand.
-Important bar and loan documents (ditto)
-My wallet (turned out to be in the trunk, but not before I agonized over it for a night)
-My badge - twice - once just in the house and once at a restaurant.

Plus, the cell phone last week of course. So basically I am insane right now. I can't keep a single coherent thought in my head. In a meeting this morning, and my boss is talking DIRECTLY TO ME about MY NEW ASSIGNMENT and in the middle of what he is saying I am thinking why hasn't the rental place gotten our check? Should I call fedex? Is it OK to mail my bar application first class? Etc. And then he stops talking. And waits for me to respond- with an intelligent question, perhaps. And instead I stifle a yawn and say that sounds .. interesting.

Yup- I'm THAT employee.

But it's great to be home- even if it's only home for a few more days. Laying in bed with B. and G. this morning (B.'s mouth has been on my boob for most of the time that I've seen him since returning home.), the cat on my chest, I tried to reassure myself that this will be the same wherever we are, that this happiness and contentment will stay. But it's a bit of a hard sell for me -- I am so afraid we will be terribly unhappy, even though I've done everything in my power so that we will be happy and rationally, it seems like we will be. But as noted, I'm not too rational right now.

still

still traveling
still working
still tired
still drinking too much caffeine and all jittery
still behind on that paperwork due in two days
still miss that baby B. so hard (repeat)
still staying up too late
still mad about that book- (after all that suffering THE KIDS DIE. Yeah. These things should come with a warning label).

But tomorrow's the last day - and it will actually be fun. No more suits.

hotel

Traveling for work. Nice people, nice dinner, and nice bed but oh oh oh
B. cried all day today after I left. This hurts my heart.
G. sounded destroyed.
I picked badly when choosing my stupid travel read - it's about a woman who abandons her family and children to have an affair - granted, it's with frank lloyd wright, who is obviously pretty cool, but it's just painful for me to read. And I though leaving B. wouldn't bother me so much this time. That was idiotic. I can barely read the parts about the affair with wright, i just keep on thinking about her two little children. http://www.randomhouse.com/rhpg/lovingfrank/
And teeth. I really need to brush my fucking teeth.
One more thing - the rumors of my phone's resurrection were much exaggerated. Apparently pouring rain fries the circuits - who knew?



who leaves something like THAT?