not the confident mom today

I am feeling pretty overwhelmed. there is a question as to whether the boy is sick. I don't think so, but hey, when he had pneumonia I thought he was cranky from teething, so I don't exactly trust my gut on these things. My husband thinks he's sick; I wonder if its because my husband is always sick. And because the boy had a 100 degree fever yesterday afternoon, daycare wants a note from the dr. - I felt like such a bad bad mom trying to convince them this morning that he's not sick. I afraid that I really have convinced myself he's not sick just because taking him to a dr. logistically, selfishly, throws my whole day into the shitter.
None of this is a big deal. Either way it will be resolved pretty soon, and we both know that they boy's not deadly ill- feverish yesterday afternoon, upchucks an occasional meal, coughs sometimes. But I think moments like this are when we both feel most out of our depth- we have no confidence in ourselves or each other's judgements, and it makes me feel very, very emotional. And dammit, I really did want to meet my bud for coffee after work.
But I guess the thing that has me worked up the most is not the baby, its that I fucked up again at work- wasn't careful, screwed up some dates on a documents whose whole point was the dates. I feel so incompetent. I am so incompetent.

Update- He ran a 102 fever two days later, it turns out the poor boy was suffering from an ear infection. So I'm 0-2 and basically should not be trusted with my own child.

interview in denver

It is cold here- and I have a cold. So not quite as fun as I would have hoped. But in the end it's just about missing the boy-- more, and differently, than I have ever missed anyone.  How can it be this intense- he can't even talk! He barely knows I am gone! But there it is.  

I was kind of looking forward to the posh hotel room, the sleep without interruptions. But what good is that when I can't relax enough to fall asleep in the first place? 

And, why, does every book/movie/tv show seem to be about children who are imperiled? Or (you think?) perhaps I am projecting?

I'd better sleep.

back

I fell asleep in a meeting today- a two-person meeting. Well, to be fair, there was a speakerphone too and I'm not sure I was asleep- instead, I found myself talking and wasn't sure what I had said four words before. Which may be worse than falling asleep in a meeting- I woke up/became cogniscent mid-sentence.
I could blames it on my lack of caffeine today or the boy's nightly wakes, much worse lately. But I think it was that the meeting was the most relaxed I've allowed myself to be in the last ten days- of "vacation." All I had to do was sit up and pay attention? (apparently, even making sense wasn't required). That's nothing! Where is the pink-eyed? The small room with three people and no sleep? The relatives kvetching re: my parenting? The hours in a car with B. screaming?
Yes, I had a great time on vacation. Sun. Sun! But today rocks.
Viva work!
Viva the Life of an Office Slave!
Viva Day Care!

2008 hopes

Today, i am permitting myself to fantasize that things will be easier by this time next month. It's a really nice fantasy, even though there are no ponies.

from a business trip in october

Sitting at this bench, flicking on the
old-fashioned green library light, watching the
red umbrellas and pouring rain
through tall thin windows, listening to
old men sometimes making sense,
sometimes not-
It's no matter to me.
I only lightly touch this place.
I am spread over the last three days.

I am at the airport on Sunday, trying to convince you to eat.
I am watching you take your morning nap right now, your arms spread wide.
I am tossing you up in the air on Saturday
making you laugh and laugh.
And I am walking in the door tomorrow
you're sitting on the kitchen floor-
did you even know I was gone?
And I guess I am here, three hundred miles away,
talking about which lunch place is good,
but how can no one notice
I am pulled so tight
they can see right through me?

damned

A friend/coworker is struggling with whether to keep a pregnancy. She is young, the father is adamently opposed to having the baby, and she had a wonderful life of travel and adventure planned out. But she wants to keep it. And so I find myself encouraging her to keep the pregnancy, even though I of all people know how hard it is, how crushing sometimes, how you look and think is it going to get any better? and its not, not anytime soon. I am wondering today if I did the right thing.
but I also know what happens when you end a pregnancy and you are not sure- or even worse, if you feel talked into it by others. You end up thinking about it for years and years and crying at every period until, checking account and student loans and daycare be damned, you are pregnant again. A recent revelation on my part- so that's what went on in my head for those three years....
I wish I could make it easier for her.

ah, monday

Read-overs bore me
so sometimes I skim and rush.
I'm an idiot.