2008 hopes

Today, i am permitting myself to fantasize that things will be easier by this time next month. It's a really nice fantasy, even though there are no ponies.

from a business trip in october

Sitting at this bench, flicking on the
old-fashioned green library light, watching the
red umbrellas and pouring rain
through tall thin windows, listening to
old men sometimes making sense,
sometimes not-
It's no matter to me.
I only lightly touch this place.
I am spread over the last three days.

I am at the airport on Sunday, trying to convince you to eat.
I am watching you take your morning nap right now, your arms spread wide.
I am tossing you up in the air on Saturday
making you laugh and laugh.
And I am walking in the door tomorrow
you're sitting on the kitchen floor-
did you even know I was gone?
And I guess I am here, three hundred miles away,
talking about which lunch place is good,
but how can no one notice
I am pulled so tight
they can see right through me?

damned

A friend/coworker is struggling with whether to keep a pregnancy. She is young, the father is adamently opposed to having the baby, and she had a wonderful life of travel and adventure planned out. But she wants to keep it. And so I find myself encouraging her to keep the pregnancy, even though I of all people know how hard it is, how crushing sometimes, how you look and think is it going to get any better? and its not, not anytime soon. I am wondering today if I did the right thing.
but I also know what happens when you end a pregnancy and you are not sure- or even worse, if you feel talked into it by others. You end up thinking about it for years and years and crying at every period until, checking account and student loans and daycare be damned, you are pregnant again. A recent revelation on my part- so that's what went on in my head for those three years....
I wish I could make it easier for her.