Friday, May 16, 2008

to a window

well, i'm no longer under the fluorescence- at least exclusively. My new office has a great big window, where I routinely show my boobs to whoever would care to look up to the 3rd floor.

It's been a long, slightly terrible week. The first few days were awful- I felt like death, my job was cold and demanding where it should have been warm and (ever-so-slightly) yielding and I wondered how I could have left my family and my life and come out to this cold dry place where it snows in May (why? why?) and my tongue was like paper and my boss took me out to lunch and I couldn't eat, almost couldn't speak. And G. at home with the baby so miserable too and the baby feels so gone from me and then my boobs don't work and there's my period...

Anyways. It was intense.

I feel a lot better now. How could I not - it's Friday night and I've had three beers. My job is going to teach me a lot. My boobs seems to be working better. The period is ending. G and I feel human.

It's still a strange, dry place, this Denver. And I still wonder- do I just go where I am asked, instead of asking the questions myself?

This strange planet.

If next week improves as rapidly as this one has, by next Sat. I'll be on cloud 9.

1.5 hours till the big 3-2. Par-tay time....

Sunday, May 4, 2008


it's the middle of the night. i am tense.

a two-week old stomachache
the baby's asleep, and i'm not
my whole body itches
i am losing track of boundaries, and routinely dispense TMI
i am very very paranoid

i. hate. change.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

pump it DOWN

Sitting here pumping like any day but it has changed -- i'm only doing it once a day, and I'm not getting much (this looks like about 2 ounces). The trip away really did in my production, despite the 40 oz of milk I came home with. And it's all for the good but it just feels wrong. I guess this is what motherhood is about, right? Trying really hard to do something, learning it, getting it right, and then you still do that? what's wrong with you? and learning how to stop.

So we're leaving DC -- my husband on Sat., me next week. Lots of goodbyes. And lots of craziness inside my head -- I am very tense about all we need to do and because I hate change. I am not at my best when I am tense -- to put it mildly. I am making fairly terrible decisions and losing any important item i come in contact with -- between Tuesday and Wed I lost:

-Laptop - I decided to check a bag with it (see "terrible decisions" above)and then it wasn't on the plane. But I got it around 12 am on tuesday night. Much agony beforehand.
-Important bar and loan documents (ditto)
-My wallet (turned out to be in the trunk, but not before I agonized over it for a night)
-My badge - twice - once just in the house and once at a restaurant.

Plus, the cell phone last week of course. So basically I am insane right now. I can't keep a single coherent thought in my head. In a meeting this morning, and my boss is talking DIRECTLY TO ME about MY NEW ASSIGNMENT and in the middle of what he is saying I am thinking why hasn't the rental place gotten our check? Should I call fedex? Is it OK to mail my bar application first class? Etc. And then he stops talking. And waits for me to respond- with an intelligent question, perhaps. And instead I stifle a yawn and say that sounds .. interesting.

Yup- I'm THAT employee.

But it's great to be home- even if it's only home for a few more days. Laying in bed with B. and G. this morning (B.'s mouth has been on my boob for most of the time that I've seen him since returning home.), the cat on my chest, I tried to reassure myself that this will be the same wherever we are, that this happiness and contentment will stay. But it's a bit of a hard sell for me -- I am so afraid we will be terribly unhappy, even though I've done everything in my power so that we will be happy and rationally, it seems like we will be. But as noted, I'm not too rational right now.