Thursday, January 31, 2008

not the confident mom today

I am feeling pretty overwhelmed. there is a question as to whether the boy is sick. I don't think so, but hey, when he had pneumonia I thought he was cranky from teething, so I don't exactly trust my gut on these things. My husband thinks he's sick; I wonder if its because my husband is always sick. And because the boy had a 100 degree fever yesterday afternoon, daycare wants a note from the dr. - I felt like such a bad bad mom trying to convince them this morning that he's not sick. I afraid that I really have convinced myself he's not sick just because taking him to a dr. logistically, selfishly, throws my whole day into the shitter.
None of this is a big deal. Either way it will be resolved pretty soon, and we both know that they boy's not deadly ill- feverish yesterday afternoon, upchucks an occasional meal, coughs sometimes. But I think moments like this are when we both feel most out of our depth- we have no confidence in ourselves or each other's judgements, and it makes me feel very, very emotional. And dammit, I really did want to meet my bud for coffee after work.
But I guess the thing that has me worked up the most is not the baby, its that I fucked up again at work- wasn't careful, screwed up some dates on a documents whose whole point was the dates. I feel so incompetent. I am so incompetent.

Update- He ran a 102 fever two days later, it turns out the poor boy was suffering from an ear infection. So I'm 0-2 and basically should not be trusted with my own child.

Friday, January 18, 2008

interview in denver

It is cold here- and I have a cold. So not quite as fun as I would have hoped. But in the end it's just about missing the boy-- more, and differently, than I have ever missed anyone.  How can it be this intense- he can't even talk! He barely knows I am gone! But there it is.  

I was kind of looking forward to the posh hotel room, the sleep without interruptions. But what good is that when I can't relax enough to fall asleep in the first place? 

And, why, does every book/movie/tv show seem to be about children who are imperiled? Or (you think?) perhaps I am projecting?

I'd better sleep.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008


I fell asleep in a meeting today- a two-person meeting. Well, to be fair, there was a speakerphone too and I'm not sure I was asleep- instead, I found myself talking and wasn't sure what I had said four words before. Which may be worse than falling asleep in a meeting- I woke up/became cogniscent mid-sentence.
I could blames it on my lack of caffeine today or the boy's nightly wakes, much worse lately. But I think it was that the meeting was the most relaxed I've allowed myself to be in the last ten days- of "vacation." All I had to do was sit up and pay attention? (apparently, even making sense wasn't required). That's nothing! Where is the pink-eyed? The small room with three people and no sleep? The relatives kvetching re: my parenting? The hours in a car with B. screaming?
Yes, I had a great time on vacation. Sun. Sun! But today rocks.
Viva work!
Viva the Life of an Office Slave!
Viva Day Care!