the boy's daycare has special keycard access- you stand and wait for the light to glow green and the door unlocks. but every once in a while it doesn't work, and i get a big red light instead. and my first thought is one of guilt and shame- they found out something wrong about me (perhaps that i was quite the fibber in elementary school?) and are now denying me access. isn't that fucked? thankfully, it's followed by a more appropriate mother-bear reaction- hey MY KID is in there! Let me in!
But it highlights two things. one i still feel like a bit of a fraud about this whole mother-thing. which is understandable- it's only been 3.5 months. and, two, and more seriously, my guilt and shame for the unforgivable act of being ME are still, at the age of 31, off the hook. i hope someday soon my mother-bear reaction will trump because really, who needs the other crap? i think it handicaps me as a mom- it's important to follow your gut with this mom thing, but to do that i've got to tune out these other destructive and useless messages of fear and doubt.
in other news, the boy is nursing in my lap, all curled up. a yellow jelly bean today. and oh, those feet.
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