Friday, February 15, 2008
I wanted to meet some friends for coffee in this uber-cool coffeeshop that, even when I was cooler and lived in that neighborhood, was way too cool for me. Because I have never been cool, sadly. So now that I am even less cool- and wear sneakers with my work clothes (this still appalls me)- I thought- why don't I go there with my squirmy 11-month old? And why don't I go say WAY EARLY so that I have to wait in said Cool Coffeehouse for an hour trying to manage my child? Or and hey, why don't I do it on Valentines Day just to add to the non-causual, non-child-friendly feeling? And so I sat and kept B. away from the candles and then again away from the candles and decided everyone was judging me and I am judging me and oh shit he's screaming and I totally had a inner-me, irrational panic attack. And called my friends and cancelled and left and walked down the street of my former neighborhood crying because, well, I am always surprised when things are hard. A lot of things that really hard on other people are not such a big deal to me- I'm good at pressing on through, staying pretty happy. And I also have it pretty sweet- even-tempered baby (and of course hottest husband EVER). Meaning I have a lot of wiggle room. Meaning I am then blindsinded when something is actually hard, or a genuinely bad idea- like taking your 11-month old to a Cooler Than Thou urban coffeeshop. Not a big deal but that pressing up against what I can't, shouldn't do right now, oh how it wears on me.
The night got better- oh the chocolate. The chocolate is the best.