Friday, March 28, 2008

happy friday

My long week of single-momness is almost over. Between that and the boot camp, I have been feeling pretty tired- especially, around 5 pm or so, when all the steps involved in getting me and B. back home seem overwhelming (pick him up, nurse him, get all his stuff together, strap on the bjorn, walk to the train, take the train, manage the crying, go up the stairs, walk a mile and a half, jimmy the door, take everything off, nurse...)

But today I am good. It's Friday, G. will be home soon, B. and I are seeing a lovely old friend for dinner, i have lots of Diet Mountain Dew, and B. SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT! A fluke? Perhaps. But he did it! I AM GI JANE!!!

Thinking about God a lot these days. I never lost my faith, but these last few years I haven't been very engaged. There just seemed so much to filter out- my anger at Pope Benedict and his hate, my own guilt that I wasn't more involved, wasn't going to Mass. But it's funny, since deciding not to baptise B. Catholic, I feel so much better about my faith, talking to God seems easier, the paths seem clearer. I feel really confident when we go to Denver we are going to find a faith community that we belong in and I am going to raise B. in that community. This year at Easter, instead of feeling guilty or conflicted about my love/hate for the Catholic church, I felt more at peace, a little more distant, and like I could appreciate it for being a lovely service in a lovely church - not for me ultimately, but lovely nonetheless.

My job-to-come has made me realize that I am bigger than this fluorescent-lit hole. I can make a plan and make sacrifices and do something big for what I believe in. My life isn't just about compromises and sacrifices and nagging guilt. It sounds a little stupid, but I always wanted to be a hero, fighting injustice. And these last two years have been important (hello, baby), but I haven't been doing that. And now I can try and be a hero again.

And if I can do that, then I am certainly not going to let some Prada-wearing pope get me stuck. See ya later, Ratzinger- I'm moving on.

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