Inspired by the many lists populating the blogworld these days thanks to NaBloPoMo (is that right?), here is a list:
Things that Unexpectedly Didn't Suck About New Motherhood
(or where I take my singular experience and generalize it for the whole world, because hey, I know one baby, must know them all, right?)
1. You don't have to wear a bra at night. That advice was apparently for people who actually enjoy wearing bras at other times, instead of people like me who take them off at the first moment I can (which explains the 5 rolled up bras my husband once found under the front seat of the car). Sure, my boobs may soon be making friends with my belly button, but I DON'T HAVE TO WEAR A BRA AT NIGHT. Fair trade.
2. You can take babies (at least B.) to movies up to 6 months - around 7 pm on weeknights was the best. Even really really violent ones. Because as long as he had the boob, B. couldn't give a %$.
3. Your cat will not try and smother your baby, sit on your baby, steal his breath, etc. He will not even hold the baby against you. In fact, he will good-naturedly move from your pillow to the end of the bed and, when you get more time for him, still purr into your ear at night and stick himself under the crook of your arm as you sleep.
4. (The most subjective of all) Breastfeeding and pumping don't have to suck. In fact, they can be pretty nice- even pumping. Especially if you can work out some kind of justification for writing stupid blog postings while you are pumping instead of working (try "I need to be relaxed for the milk").
5. Though you will be fat for a while, it bothers you less than any fat ever has (or ever will I'm guessing). This was the one I could never have imagined. Being fat and NOT CARING? Well, caring a little bit, but say, the way a 19 year boy cares about improving his diet of cheetos, Yoo-hoo, and beer- in a sort of long-range, absent-minded, theoretical way.
6. Drink a beer, give a booby. Pump and dump is only needed in binge-drinking type circumstances- whereas you will fall asleep after beer #2. Bring on the Guinness!
Oh and all that good stuff about this wonderful new baby, feelings of love, watching B. and his dad together as better than any drug ever ever ever, etc.- that too. But I'm an optimist- I was pretty much thinking that stuff would happen. But the no bra thing- how sweet is that?